Could a Sunday-night stomachache be an early sign of school refusal in teens? If mornings have turned into a tug-of-war over getting out the door, you’re definitely not the only parent standing in the kitchen wondering what to do.
School refusal is when anxiety or other big feelings make going to school feel almost impossible. It isn’t laziness, and it isn’t a teen trying to get away with something. Often, it’s a teen who wants to go but can’t figure out how to make the scared feeling stop.
At Davis-Smith Mental Health in New Lenox, IL, we help teens and parents work through hard school mornings together. This post is part of our complete guide to teen anxiety, and it walks you through the signs, the why, and a real plan you can start this week.
What School Refusal in Teens Really Looks Like
School refusal in teens rarely starts with a big blowup. It usually starts small, with a headache here and a missed first period there. Over a few weeks, those small things can add up until the whole morning revolves around whether your teen will make it to school.
For some teens, the worry is about one thing, like a class presentation, a hallway where they feel left out, or a test they think they’ll fail. For others, it’s harder to name. They just know their heart races and their stomach flips when they picture walking through those doors.
The good news is that this is workable. Teens are capable, and with the right support, getting back to a steady routine is very possible. You don’t have to have it all figured out today!
Early Signs That School Avoidance Is Building
Here are some common signs parents notice before full school refusal sets in:
- Late arrivals: your teen is suddenly slow every morning, misses the bus, or can’t seem to leave the car at drop-off.
- Nurse visits: frequent trips to the school nurse with stomachaches or headaches that seem to show up mostly on school days.
- Calls and texts from school: your teen messages you midday asking to be picked up, or the school calls more often than it used to.
- Sunday-night dread: the mood drops every Sunday evening and lifts on Friday afternoon or over breaks.
- Skipping one class or one day: avoiding a certain period, like gym or a class with a presentation coming up.
- Bargaining: “I’ll go tomorrow, I promise” or “Can I just go after lunch?” becomes a regular part of the morning.
If you’re seeing a few of these, it’s a great time to step in gently. The earlier a plan starts, the easier it usually is. Our post on signs of anxiety in teens covers other clues to watch for, too.
Why Staying Home Can Make It Harder
When your teen gets to stay home, the anxious feeling may ease for the day. That relief is real, and it makes sense that both of you want it. The tricky part is that staying away can start to feel like the only fix.
The next morning, the worry can come right back. Meanwhile, missed work piles up, friends move on to new inside jokes, and walking back in can feel harder. That’s how a few days at home can quietly turn into a bigger pattern.
This doesn’t mean a sick day or a planned mental health day is a bad idea. It means that when anxiety is driving the decision, the goal is to help your teen face school in small, doable steps rather than avoid it completely.
What to Say on a Hard School Morning
On a rough morning, your words can either calm things down or turn up the heat. We all are guilty of the frustrated “You’re going, end of discussion!” Here are some phrases that tend to work better:
- “I can see this feels really hard right now. I’m right here.”
- “You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to take the next small step.”
- “What part of today feels the scariest?”
- “Let’s get you to first period, and we’ll talk about the rest after.”
- “What would make walking in a little easier this morning?”
- “I believe you can do hard things. You’ve done them before.”
- “How about we pick up your favorite takeout tonight to celebrate getting through today?”
These phrases name the feeling, stay calm, and still point toward school. You’re showing your teen that you trust them to handle more than they think they can.
A Step-by-Step Plan for Parents and Schools
School refusal in teens usually gets better fastest when home and school work as a team. Here’s a simple plan to start with:
- Check in with your teen’s doctor. Rule out anything physical behind the stomachaches or headaches, so everyone can focus on the right thing.
- Talk when things are calm. Pick a quiet moment, like a car ride or a walk, to ask what’s making school so hard. Listen more than you talk.
- Reach out to the school. Ask for a meeting with the school counselor, a dean or a trusted teacher. Share what you’re seeing and ask what they’re noticing, too.
- Agree on a safe person and a safe spot. Many teens do better knowing exactly who they can check in with during the day and where they can take a short break before heading back to class.
- Plan a step-by-step return. If your teen has missed a lot, a gradual return (like starting with a few classes or half days and building up) can feel more doable than jumping back into a full schedule.
- Ask about formal support if it’s needed. Our guide to a 504 plan for anxiety explains what parents can ask the school for.
- Celebrate small wins. Getting out of the car counts. Making it through second period counts. Notice it out loud.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has a helpful family guide to school refusal, and HealthyChildren.org, from the American Academy of Pediatrics, offers practical tips for parents on school avoidance. Both are worth a read as you build your plan.
Hard-Morning Routines That Help
A predictable morning gives anxious brains less to worry about, which is a big help with school refusal in teens. Try a few of these and keep what works for your family:
- Prep the night before: backpack by the door, outfit picked out, lunch packed. Fewer decisions in the morning means fewer chances for the worry to grab hold.
- Protect sleep: a tired teen has a shorter fuse for worry. Collecting phones at night can make a real difference.
- Build in a calm minute: a few slow breaths in the car or a quick grounding exercise before walking in. Our post on grounding techniques for anxiety has easy ones to try.
- Have a drop-off script: decide ahead of time what you’ll say at the curb, keep it short, and drive away with a smile.
On the hardest days, give yourself grace, too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you don’t have to get every morning perfect for things to improve.
Common Mistakes Parents Make (and What to Try Instead)
Every parent slips into some of these. Here’s a quick guide for swapping them out:
| Instead of this | Try this |
|---|---|
| “You’re fine, just go.” | “I know this feels big. Let’s figure out the next step together.” |
| Letting them stay home “just this once” over and over | Agreeing on a plan for what happens on hard mornings before they happen |
| Long lectures in the car | A few calm words, then quiet or their favorite music |
| Taking away everything they love as punishment | Small rewards for small steps, like picking dinner after a full day |
| Handling it alone | Reaching out to the school counselor and, if needed, a therapist |
When School Refusal in Teens May Be More Than a Rough Patch
Every teen has an off week. It may be time to reach out for extra support if you notice things like:
- Missed days are piling up even after you’ve tried a plan with the school.
- Your teen seems sad, flat or withdrawn most days, not just on school mornings. Our post on signs of depression in teens can help you sort this out.
- Panic, crying or anger shows up every time school comes up.
- You suspect bullying, including online, or something happening at school that they won’t talk about.
If your teen ever talks about wanting to hurt themselves or not wanting to be here, take it seriously. You can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day or night. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
How Davis-Smith Mental Health Helps Teens Get Back to School
Our therapists work with teens and parents to understand what’s really behind the avoidance and build a plan that feels doable. We help teens notice the worried thoughts that show up on school mornings, practice calming skills, and take small, steady steps back toward the classroom.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. If you’re wondering who does what at school and in therapy, our post on the difference between a school counselor and a therapist can help.
Many of the teens we see attend Lincoln-Way and New Lenox schools, and families come to us from all over Will County, including Frankfort, Mokena and Joliet. You can learn more about our school anxiety therapy and teen anxiety counseling, or meet our team. If your teen isn’t sure about therapy, our post on how to get your teen to go to therapy can help you bring it up.
Help Your Teen Walk Back Through Those Doors
We see teens in person at our New Lenox office and through telehealth for anyone physically located in Illinois. You don’t have to wait until things fall apart to reach out, and you don’t have to have the right words. For more reading, start with our complete guide to teen anxiety.
Call us at (815) 409-5940 or request a session online, and we’ll match your family with the therapist who fits best. One small step is enough to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
Personalized care
Licensed, caring therapists
Every therapist on our team works with anxiety. We will match you with the right therapist for you.
Anxiety at the center
Anxiety is the foundation of everything we do.
EMDR-trained care
EMDR helps clients process what talk therapy alone can’t reach.
Every age and stage
From children and teens to young adults and adults.
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Our New Lenox office or secure online therapy for clients in Illinois.
In-network with
- Aetna PPO
- Cigna / Evernorth
- BCBS PPO
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- Initial assessment $200
- Ongoing sessions $150
Insurance and rates
Insurance Accepted
We work with most major insurance plans and offer self-pay options. We believe quality mental health care should be accessible. Davis-Smith Mental Health is in-network with the following insurance providers.
We also offer self-pay options and can provide a Superbill for out-of-network benefits.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
If something told you to keep reading this far, trust that feeling. Whether it’s for yourself, your teen, or your young adult, the hardest part is deciding to start. We are here when you are ready.
there is courage in change ♥
