Dealing with conflict is hard, especially when the argument is with a friend or someone you see every day at school. Have you ever been in an argument and just not known how to handle it?
Many people fear conflict and avoid it at all costs. Many times, people just don’t know what to say or do when they disagree, while others go the opposite way, and hurtful things get said and names get called.
Much of our work at Davis-Smith Mental Health in New Lenox, IL, is with teens and young adults. Below are ten tips to try the next time a conflict comes up.
Everyone Argues
Everyone is human, everyone argues, and not everyone will agree all the time. The truth is, there is no perfect solution to dealing with conflict.
Yet there are tips you can use to keep yourself calm and share your thoughts with respect and courage.
Most people lean one of two ways when conflict shows up. Some go quiet, avoid the person, and hope it blows over, while others get loud and say things they don’t mean.
Neither one makes you a bad person. Both are habits, and habits can change with practice.
Why Conflict Feels So Big
When you’re upset, your body reacts as if you’re in danger. Your heart pounds, your face gets hot, and your thoughts speed up, which makes it really hard to think clearly or listen well.
Conflict with a friend can also feel scary because the friendship matters to you. It’s normal to worry that one argument will end everything.
That’s why the first tips for dealing with conflict focus on slowing down. Once your body settles, your words tend to come out kinder and it gets easier to hear the other person.
Start by Listening and Calming Down
1. Listen
Hear the other person out without speaking. Let them talk, and listen to understand why they are upset instead of planning your answer.
It helps to repeat back what you heard: “So you felt left out when we made plans without you?” Even if you see it differently, they will know you were really listening.
2. Take a deep breath
If you feel yourself getting heated, it’s okay to walk away and ask for time to take a breather. Wait until you feel calmer before going back to the person you’re arguing with.
This helps you think less emotionally and keeps you from boiling over. You might say, “I want to talk about this, but I need a few minutes first.” While you wait, try a few slow breaths or a short walk.
Just make sure you actually come back. Taking a break is different from ignoring someone.
Get to the Root of the Problem
3. Identify the source of the conflict
The more you know about what caused the conflict, the easier it is to talk it out. Ask yourself or the other person, “How did this fight begin?”
Sometimes the real issue isn’t what the argument seems to be about. A fight over a canceled plan might really be about feeling left out or unimportant.
4. Look beyond the conflict
Each person usually has their own perspective on what happened. Try asking, “What do you think happened here?” or “When do you think the problem between us first started?”
You don’t have to agree with their side to understand it. Understanding is often what cools things down enough to find a solution.
Work Toward a Solution Together
5. Request solutions
After you’ve each shared your perspective, ask, “How can I make things better with you?” or “How can we agree, or agree to disagree, peacefully?”
Try to avoid finger pointing or accusing language. Listen, and wait to give your input until they have finished talking.
6. Come to an agreement
Try to land on something you both feel okay with to settle the argument. Then look ahead and ask, “How can we avoid this situation in the future?”
Your agreement can be simple, like texting if plans change or talking privately instead of venting to other friends. Here are a few swaps that keep the conversation on track:
| Try this | Instead of this |
|---|---|
| “I felt hurt when I found out from someone else.” | “You always go behind my back.” |
| Listening until they finish | Planning your comeback while they talk |
| Taking a break and coming back | Storming off and ignoring them for days |
| Talking in person or on a call | Arguing over text or on social media |
| Keeping it between the two of you | Pulling other friends into the fight |
| Focusing on this one issue | Bringing up every old mistake |
Repair, Forgive, and Learn
7. Apologize and acknowledge
Apologizing is a huge pride issue for a lot of people, but the other person will likely respect you for it. If you realize you were in the wrong, consider apologizing and asking for their forgiveness.
A real apology names what you did and skips the excuses: “I’m sorry I said that in front of everyone. That wasn’t fair to you.” Try to avoid “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which can sound like blame.
8. Forgive
It is never easy to forgive someone who has hurt you, but it is often the best thing you can do to move on. Forgive the person, and let it go the best you can.
Try not to hold a grudge once the situation has been talked through. Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean letting someone keep treating you badly.
9. Learn
Reflect on what happened in your own private time. Think about what worked when you talked it out, and what you might do differently next time.
Writing it down can help. A few quick notes about what set you off and what calmed you down can make the next conflict a little easier.
Over time, you may start to notice patterns, like getting snappy when you’re tired or shutting down when someone raises their voice. Knowing your patterns gives you a head start next time.
10. Give grace
Give yourself grace and a break. Fights and arguments happen, especially with the people closest to us.
Conflict teaches you about yourself, your hot buttons, the other person’s hot buttons, and your ability to stand up for something. People make mistakes, and that is okay, so give the other person the same grace you give yourself.
Working Through Conflict Improves Relationships
Conflict can be scary and uncomfortable. Yet working through it brings real chances to grow, both in yourself and in your relationships.
It is okay to disagree with others, as long as you speak with respect, empathy, and consideration for the other person’s feelings. It takes practice, but in time, dealing with conflict will feel less daunting.
These same skills work with siblings, parents, teammates, and coworkers. If arguments at home are a regular thing, our post on five ways to decrease tension in the home has ideas for the whole family.
If you tend to avoid conflict at all costs, our post on people pleasing and learning to say no may feel familiar. The Mayo Clinic also has a helpful guide to being more assertive.
When Dealing With Conflict Is Harder Than It Should Be
Every friendship has bumps, and most arguments blow over with a little time and a good conversation. Sometimes, though, conflict turns into a pattern that’s worth getting help with.
| What you notice | Everyday conflict | Worth getting support |
|---|---|---|
| How often | Now and then, usually about something specific | Constant fights with friends, family, or both |
| Anger | You get upset, then calm down | Anger comes on fast and feels impossible to control |
| Afterward | You talk it out and move on | You replay it for days and can’t let it go |
| Speaking up | Sometimes you let small things slide | You never speak up and always give in to keep the peace |
| Friendships | Some friendships change over time | Friendships keep ending the same way |
| Safety | Words get heated, then cool down | Threats, pushing, hitting, or feeling unsafe |
If a conflict ever turns physical, or someone talks about hurting themselves or someone else, tell a trusted adult right away. In an emergency, go to the nearest emergency room, and if someone is having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
How Therapy Makes Dealing With Conflict Easier
Therapy can give teens and young adults a safe place to practice these skills. That might mean talking through a fight that just happened, or thinking through what you want to say before a hard conversation.
At Davis-Smith Mental Health, emotional regulation therapy can help with big feelings that come on fast, and teen counseling gives teens a private, relaxed space to talk about friendship and family stress. Our team uses approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which can help you notice the thoughts that fuel anger or avoidance.
Learn to Handle Conflict With Confidence
If arguments keep piling up, or you avoid conflict so much that it’s wearing you down, we can help. We see teens, young adults, and adults in person at our New Lenox office and through telehealth, as long as they’re physically in Illinois during each session.
Families come to us from Mokena, Lockport, Tinley Park, Joliet, and beyond. Give us a call at (815) 409-5940 or request a session online to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
Personalized care
Licensed, caring therapists
Every therapist on our team works with anxiety. We will match you with the right therapist for you.
Anxiety at the center
Anxiety is the foundation of everything we do.
EMDR-trained care
EMDR helps clients process what talk therapy alone can’t reach.
Every age and stage
From children and teens to young adults and adults.
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Our New Lenox office or secure online therapy for clients in Illinois.
In-network with
- Aetna PPO
- Cigna / Evernorth
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- Initial assessment $200
- Ongoing sessions $150
Insurance and rates
Insurance Accepted
We work with most major insurance plans and offer self-pay options. We believe quality mental health care should be accessible. Davis-Smith Mental Health is in-network with the following insurance providers.
We also offer self-pay options and can provide a Superbill for out-of-network benefits.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
If something told you to keep reading this far, trust that feeling. Whether it’s for yourself, your teen, or your young adult, the hardest part is deciding to start. We are here when you are ready.
there is courage in change ♥
