Coping With Grief: Gentle Ways to Support Kids and Teens

Coping with grief is something we all face at some point, whether it is the loss of a pet, a grandparent, or even a close friend. Losing a loved one is never easy, and it often leaves us brokenhearted and down in the dumps.

No two people grieve the same way, and grief does not follow a neat set of steps or a schedule. That is worth keeping in mind when helping kids and teens cope after losing someone, or something, they loved very much.

At Davis-Smith Mental Health in New Lenox, IL, we know how heavy a loss can feel for kids, teens, and the parents trying to help them. Below is my own first experience with grief, what it taught me, and gentle ways to support the young people you love.

My Own First Grief Experience

I can remember back when I had my first hamster. I was so excited to have a pet of my own, and I could not wait to go to the pet store and pick out my new friend. I was over the moon!

My mom warned me that a hamster takes a lot of responsibility and work to keep healthy and well cared for. She also warned me to prepare myself for the fact that hamsters only live about three years.

Of course, I pretty much ignored her, as if she had not mentioned that at all. I was just too excited about bringing my new hamster home to think of such things.

Flash forward a few years: I loved my hamster! I would often do my homework in our study, where I could take her out of her cage and let her run around in her hamster ball.

I enjoyed telling her about my day, and she brought me great joy as I watched her roll about the floor. I realized she was getting older, but I could not bear to think that one day she might not be on this earth anymore.

I remember the day I had to leave for college and leave my beloved hamster in the care of my mom and sister. I was worried, but I knew they would take good care of her. I missed her greatly while at school and would often ask them to send me pictures and videos of her to help with the distance.

On breaks, I would come home and, before even greeting my family, run right into the study to take her out of her cage and say hello. My mom and other family members were often jealous that I cared more about seeing my hamster when I got home than seeing them!

Loss and Grieving

Eventually the dreaded time came. I knew my hamster was getting old. I had to return to school to take my midterms and knew I would be home again for spring break, so I quickly said goodbye and told her I would see her soon.

When I got back from my midterm exams and started spring break, I immediately ran into the study, only to notice something was not right. Her cage still stood in its normal spot, but I could not see her in her usual place. I opened the cage, and my beloved hamster was nowhere to be found.

I began to fear the worst. Sure enough, my mom and sister confirmed she had passed while I was taking my midterm exams, and they had been afraid to tell me until I was done.

This was one of my very first experiences with death. It may sound silly that my first brush with grief came from losing a little rodent, but that experience taught me a lot about the grieving process.

I remember crying every night for about a week, then slowly beginning to fear that maybe, had I not gone back to school, she would still be alive. I denied the fact that she was old and that it was “her time,” as many people told me. It hurt too much to think of her no longer being there to comfort me after all the joy she brought me.

What Coping With Grief Can Look Like in Kids and Teens

My story holds a lot of what grief can look like: tears, guilt, and “what if” thinking. Kids and teens feel all of that too, though they often show it in ways adults do not expect.

Grief also comes in waves, so a teen can laugh with friends at lunch and cry in the car an hour later. Here is how it often looks at different ages:

Age	What grief may look like	What often helps
Young children	Repeated questions, clinginess, upset one minute and playing the next	Simple, honest words like “died” and familiar routines
Preteens and teens	Stomachaches, trouble focusing, pulling away, irritability, or acting like everything is fine	Patience, an open door, and room to grieve with friends
Young adults	Grieving far from home, or feeling they should be over it by now	Regular check-ins and ways to stay part of family rituals

Death as a Part of Life

Eventually, I did come to a place of acceptance, but it took time to grieve and mourn my little furry friend. It helped me to appreciate life more and to never take it for granted.

This experience also prepared me for other losses later in life. Unfortunately, grandparents, as well as friends’ family members, would grow old or sick, and I would eventually have to grieve people too.

The true lesson I learned is to honor the life lived, whether it was a furry friend or a human. Each one is a gift, put here to bring us joy and community with one another.

I also learned to be patient with my emotions and to seek out friends and family members to talk to about how much I missed my loved ones. It helped to feel that I was not alone in the process, and to be heard and have my feelings validated.

That is a big part of coping with grief for kids and teens, too. Grief is not a problem to solve, and they do not need anyone to fix their sadness. What they need most is someone who will stay close while they feel it.

Helping Kids and Teens Cope With Loss

When helping your children and teens with grief, here are five important things to keep in mind.

1. Let Them Grieve Their Own Way

Everyone experiences grief differently, so try not to one-up their loss or tell them how they should feel. Let them experience their emotions, and validate them as well as you can.

Validating can be as simple as saying, “It makes sense that you miss her so much.” Phrases like “At least she lived a long life” or “You need to be strong” can leave kids feeling like their sadness is too much.

2. Remember That Grief Has No Timeline

Understand that grief is a process. There is no timeline for when it begins or ends, so let them talk and take as much time as they need.

Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can bring feelings rushing back, sometimes years later, so check in gently around those dates. Our post on getting through the holidays may help.

3. Help Them Honor Their Loved One

Doing something to honor the person or pet they lost can give grief somewhere to go. Options include planting a tree in their honor, running a 5K, making a quilt out of their old t-shirts, or making a scrapbook of memories.

Let your child or teen take the lead here. Younger kids might like drawing a picture or writing a letter, while teens may prefer a playlist or a photo slideshow.

4. Keep Talking About Them

Keep talking about the loved one who died. It can feel awkward to stir up memories, and many people worry they will make things worse by bringing it up.

It often helps your teen to know you are comfortable talking about their loved one and keeping their memory alive. Something as simple as “Grandpa would have loved this” tells them the door is open.

5. Let Them Know It Is Okay to Feel Joy Again

Help them live in the present moment, and remind them that it is okay to be happy even after the loss of a loved one. Some kids feel guilty the first time they laugh or have fun after a death, as if it means they have stopped caring.

You can gently let them know that joy and grief can sit side by side. Enjoying life again does not mean they have forgotten.

Taking Care of Yourself While Coping With Grief

Keeping these things in mind will help as you walk the path to healing together. It takes patience with your loved ones and with yourself to wade through the emotions and allow yourself to feel grief.

If you are grieving the same loss, it is okay for your kids to see you sad. When you say, “I’m missing Grandma today, so I’m going to look at old pictures,” you show them that feelings are safe to share.

Lean on your own people too, and accept the help that is offered. The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families also has thoughtful resources for grieving children, teens, and the adults who care for them.

When Coping With Grief Needs Extra Support

There is no right way to grieve, and sadness after a loss is not something to fix. Sometimes, though, grief gets stuck or tangled up with other struggles, and a little extra support can really help.

What you notice	Grief that is hard but moving	Time to reach out for support
Daily life	Hard days mixed with okay ones	Cannot keep up with school or daily routines for weeks
Guilt	“If only” thoughts that come and go	Constant self-blame, or feeling undeserving of happiness
Hope	Sad, but can still picture good days ahead	Feels hopeless or says life is not worth living
Coping	Leans on people, routines, and memories	Turns to alcohol, drugs, or risky behavior to numb the pain

If any of the right column sounds familiar, please reach out to a counselor. If you or your child is having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, any time of day or night. In an emergency, go to the nearest emergency room.

How Counseling Can Help a Grieving Child or Teen

Counseling does not rush grief or try to make it go away. It is a steady, safe place to talk about the person they lost, sort through guilt or worry, and find ways to live with the loss.

Sessions with teens at Davis-Smith Mental Health are relaxed and conversational, and some teens find it easier to open up while drawing or walking.

When a loss was sudden or traumatic, EMDR therapy may also help. Learn more about our teen counseling, child therapy, and trauma therapy, or about support during big life changes.