Healthy Teen Relationships: The Real Signs to Look For

Healthy teen relationships don’t happen by accident. Many teens and young adults never stop to think about the expectations they have for a relationship when they first begin to feel attracted to someone.

That’s why it matters so much to help teens understand what they want in a relationship and how to tell whether it is healthy for them. Valentine’s Day, school dances, and new crushes tend to bring it up, but it’s a conversation worth having all year.

At Davis-Smith Mental Health in New Lenox, IL, teens and young adults are the heart of what we do. Here is one story that paints the picture, followed by what healthy looks like and tips for teens and parents.

A Relationship Story

To paint a picture of discovering what a healthy relationship looks like, I want to tell the story of a girl I went to high school with. For the sake of privacy, we’ll call her Julie.

Julie was a well-liked sophomore who was involved in many school activities. She was captain of the dance team and had lots of friends.

Julie, however, lacked insight when it came to her romantic relationships. Her mom was very closed off to talking about relationships and would try to change the subject whenever Julie brought up boys. Julie would talk to her friends about boys she found attractive, but she was always too shy to approach them.

Asking a Boy to the Dance

One day, the turnabout dance was coming up, and Julie hoped to ask a boy. She had her eye on a popular boy she had never really talked to.

Thinking it was a good idea, Julie asked him to the dance in her Facebook status and tagged his name. Sadly, he had already been asked, and he commented underneath that he would have to decline. Julie felt sad, and a little embarrassed that she had put her request out on Facebook for everyone to see her get turned down.

Things Getting Uncomfortable

Julie asked another boy instead, a friend of one of her friends. He was handsome, charming, and a basketball player, and she was swooning over him.

At the dance, they had a good time until he began to touch her in ways she was not comfortable with. She would swat his hands away, and he would laugh and not take her seriously.

Julie went to the bathroom and asked one of her friends to come with her. She explained that her date was getting touchy, but her friend told her it just meant he must like her and be attracted to her.

What a supportive friend could say

That friend’s answer might sound familiar, but it simply isn’t true. If someone keeps touching you after you push their hands away, they are ignoring your no.

A supportive friend might say, “That’s not okay. Do you want to stay near me, or call someone for a ride?” Teens can think through that kind of response ahead of time, so they’re ready to back up a friend, or themselves, and then tell a trusted adult what happened.

Accepting Disrespect

Julie excused away his behavior, even though she often felt uneasy around him. They ended up dating, but Julie knew in her heart that he did not respect her. She worried that if she broke up with him, she would never find anyone else, so she put up with how he treated her.

He called her nasty names. He made her feel guilty for going out with her girlfriends instead of him, and he often criticized her for not answering his texts soon enough.

Discovering a Healthy Relationship

Julie broke up with him, but she felt like her heart was broken. She was also very confused about how she had ended up in such a place of doubt and hurt. She worried she would be alone forever, and that every boy she dated might be a jerk like this one.

After a year or so, Julie met another boy, and they began as friends. They ended up dating casually, going on dates and often splitting the bill.

He was very attentive to her feelings. He encouraged her to hang out with her girlfriends and to never do anything that made her uncomfortable.

The Moral of the Story: What Healthy Teen Relationships Are Built On

In Julie’s story, the first boy she dated did not treat her with respect. He pushed boundaries, emotionally manipulated her, and made her uncomfortable.

This was a story of control. Teens often don’t realize when they are being disrespected, and they can excuse away bad behavior to keep a relationship status.

Sacrificing your mental health for another person, whether in a romantic relationship or a friendship, is never worth it. Healthy relationships start with mutual respect, boundaries, clear expectations, communication, and trust, and without them, a relationship can cause more harm than good.

What to notice	Unhealthy	Healthy
Hearing no	Laughs it off or keeps pushing	Stops the first time and never pressures you
Time with friends	Makes you feel guilty for seeing friends	Encourages you to spend time with friends
Texting	Criticizes you for not answering fast enough	Trusts you, even when you’re busy
Words	Name-calling and put-downs	Kind, even during a disagreement
Your feelings	Brushed off or made fun of	Noticed and taken seriously
How you feel around them	Uneasy, guilty, or on edge	Safe, respected, and like yourself

Tips for Teens Getting Into a New Relationship

Here are a few tips to remember when you’re getting into a new relationship:

• Don’t make choices out of fear that this person is your only shot at love. They aren’t, even if it feels that way right now.
• Avoid jumping in too soon. Create a friendship first, so you see how someone treats you before feelings get intense.
• Make a checklist of the qualities you’re looking for, and stick to it. Kind, honest, and respectful of your friends are great places to start.
• Make sure physical attraction isn’t what’s guiding your decision. Chemistry is fun, but it can’t tell you whether someone is kind.
• Assert your boundaries. If someone doesn’t like your boundaries, that tells you what you need to know about them. No always means NO!
• Don’t confuse an emotional rollercoaster with being crazy about someone. Constant drama, highs, and lows are not the same thing as love.
• Find someone you can be yourself around. You shouldn’t have to hide your interests, opinions, or friends.
• Remember that you can’t change them. You can’t make someone be who they’re not.
• Notice how they make you feel about yourself. If they make you feel guilty or bad about who you are, they aren’t for you.
• Choose someone who brings the best out of you, not the stress out of you.

How Parents Can Help

Julie’s story is a reminder of how much it matters when a parent is open to talking about relationships. When the subject gets changed at home, teens are left to get their answers from friends who are still figuring it out, too.

You don’t need a big sit-down talk. Short, casual conversations in the car or while watching a show can feel a lot less awkward. Here are a few easy ways to open up the topic of healthy teen relationships:

• “What do you think makes someone a good boyfriend or girlfriend?”
• “How do your friends treat the people they date?”
• “If someone ever makes you uncomfortable, you can always call me for a ride, and we’ll talk later.”

Try to listen more than you lecture, and stay calm even if what you hear worries you. Love Is Respect is a helpful resource to explore together, with information for young people about healthy and unhealthy dating relationships.

Remind Teens to Love Themselves First

Using the tips above can help guide your teen in figuring out whether a relationship with someone they’re interested in is best for them. Relationships do take time and emotional commitment.

Remind your teen that not all fulfillment comes from relationships. Sometimes loving themselves first can help them love someone else that much more.

Confidence is one of the best foundations for healthy teen relationships, and our posts on teen self-esteem and what to do when all your friends are dating have more ideas for building it.

Healthy Teen Relationships and When to Get Extra Support

Breakups and relationship stress are a normal part of growing up, and most teens bounce back with time and support. It may be time for extra help if your teen seems stuck in sadness or worry for weeks, pulls away from friends, or keeps going back to a relationship that hurts them.

If a relationship involves threats, physical harm, or pressure around sex, take it seriously and help your teen get safe. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room, and if your teen is having thoughts of hurting themselves, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

Counseling can help a teen sort through what happened and rebuild confidence for next time. At Davis-Smith Mental Health, teen counseling sessions are relaxed and conversational, and teens 12 and older have privacy in what they share, though parents are always told if there is a safety concern. You can also learn more about our relationship counseling.