Parenting young adults living at home isn’t an easy job. You’ve guided them through life since birth, and now that they have reached adulthood, your expectations have shifted.
You hope they will launch into independence, but things might not be going as planned. If your young adult is not working or going to school, you may be feeling more tension and discomfort in your own home than you ever expected.
At Davis-Smith Mental Health in New Lenox, IL, we help young adults through big transitions like this one, and we know how hard this season can be on the whole family. Here are three steps to create a calmer, more respectful living situation for both you and your young adult.
Why Young Adults Living at Home Can Create Tension
Living together as two sets of adults is a big shift. You may still feel responsible for your child, while they may want to be treated like the adult they are.
When a young adult is not working or in school, small things can start to feel huge. Sleeping until noon, dishes in the sink, or the car coming back on empty can turn into constant arguments.
Sometimes there is more going on underneath. Anxiety, depression, or feeling lost about the future can look a lot like laziness from the outside, so it helps to stay curious about what might be getting in the way.
Many young adults also feel embarrassed about where they are, even if they do not show it. Comparing themselves to friends who seem further ahead can make them shut down instead of speed up.
Tip 1: Set Clear Expectations Together
For young adults living at home, a supportive arrangement starts with clear expectations. Share them in a way that benefits both of you, so it feels like a plan you are building together and not a list of punishments.
You may have mentioned these expectations out loud already, but putting them in writing gives everyone something concrete to point back to. A simple written agreement cuts down on “You never told me that” moments.
How to Have the Conversation
- Pick a calm time. Avoid bringing it up in the middle of an argument or right after a frustrating moment.
- Start with the why. Let them know you want your home to feel peaceful for everyone and that you want to support their next steps.
- Ask for their input. Young adults are much more likely to follow rules they helped create.
- Write it down. Keep it short, specific, and somewhere everyone can see it.
- Plan a check-in. Agree to review the plan together in a few weeks and adjust what is not working.
To open the conversation, you might say, “I love having you here, and I want this to work for both of us. Can we sit down this weekend and make a plan together?”
What to Include in Your Agreement
- Time to rise. Set a consistent wake-up time to bring some structure to their day. A regular schedule also tends to help with mood and motivation.
- Hygiene and self-care. Encourage regular showers, laundry, meals, and sleep. If self-care has slipped a lot, it can be a sign they are struggling.
- Chores and life skills. Assign household chores and life skills, like grocery shopping, cooking a meal each week, or making their own appointments.
- Financial contributions. If it makes sense for your family, talk about contributing toward household expenses, even a small amount. Some families set the money aside to help their young adult move out later.
- Vehicle use and curfews. Agree on who pays for gas and car insurance, when the car is available, and when you expect them home or a heads-up text.
- Visitors. Talk through your rules on guests and overnight visitors so everyone feels respected in the home.
What to Do When the Rules Are Not Followed
If your young adult refuses to follow the agreement, it may be time to look for extra support or put consequences in place. Sometimes a calm conversation about what will happen if the rules keep getting broken is exactly what is needed.
Consequences work best when they are clear, fair, and agreed on ahead of time. Pick ones you are truly willing to follow through on, like losing use of the car for a week.
When a rule gets broken, keep it calm and specific: “We agreed the car comes back with gas in it. Since it came back empty again, the keys stay with me this weekend.”
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Repeating the same rule louder each time | Calmly pointing back to the written agreement |
| Threatening consequences you will not follow through on | Choosing consequences you are ready to keep |
| Hashing it out in the middle of a fight | Holding a weekly check-in when everyone is calm |
| Comparing them to siblings or friends | Naming the specific behavior you want to see |
| Doing everything for them to keep the peace | Teaching one life skill at a time |
Tip 2: Explore Supportive Options
When living with a young adult becomes really difficult, exploring other options can ease the tension. There are points when it may be best to consider a different living situation or bring others in to help create peace, both in your home and in your relationship with your child.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, living together just is not working anymore. Living with other family members or roommates can give everyone the breathing space needed to rebuild a better relationship.
These might not be the solutions you first had in mind. Even so, they can often lead to long-term improvements and a more peaceful family life.
- Family support. If possible, consider an arrangement with another family member who can offer your young adult a supportive place to stay.
- A time frame. Set a specific time frame for any arrangement, with checkpoints along the way to review progress and readiness for living independently.
- Consequences. Talk about what will happen if the agreed-upon rules are not followed, so there are no surprises later.
- Counseling. A counselor can help with tough conversations, improve communication, and offer ways to work through conflict.
If Safety Becomes a Concern
Most families never reach this point, but everyone’s safety comes first. If anyone in your home is in immediate danger, call 911.
If your young adult is in a mental health crisis or talking about suicide, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, any time of day or night, or go to the nearest emergency room.
Tip 3: Engage a Professional Counselor
Bringing in a professional, like a therapist or counselor, can help with hard conversations, improve communication, and offer ways to resolve conflict. A counselor can help untangle the underlying issues and miscommunications that keep coming up.
- A neutral space. A counselor offers a calm place for everyone to share concerns and expectations without it turning into a fight.
- Conflict resolution. Families learn practical ways to handle disagreements, like taking breaks and using “I” statements.
- Understanding family patterns. It can help to see the communication habits that keep the same arguments going.
- Support and coping. Parents and young adults both get help with the stress and big emotions of this transition.
- Future planning. Young adults get help setting realistic goals and building a step-by-step plan toward independence.
Counseling is not only for your young adult. Parents often need a place to sort through their own worry, guilt, and frustration too, and our adult counseling can help with that.
Everyday Friction or Something More?
Some friction is normal when adults share a home. It is worth looking closer when your young adult seems stuck in a way that is about more than motivation.
| What you notice | Normal growing pains | Worth reaching out for support |
|---|---|---|
| Sleep | Sleeps in on days off | Sleeps most of the day or is up all night for weeks |
| Motivation | Unsure about next steps but exploring options | Has stopped trying and avoids any talk of the future |
| Mood | Moody or frustrated at times | Seems hopeless, flat, or very anxious most days |
| Social life | Sees friends less than in high school | Rarely leaves the house or talks to anyone |
| Family conflict | Arguments that cool down and get resolved | Constant blowups, or conflict that feels unsafe |
| Coping | Video games or shows to unwind | Heavy use of alcohol, drugs, or gaming to escape |
NAMI has helpful information for families of teens and young adults, and Active Minds focuses on mental health for young adults. Both can help you understand what your young adult may be facing.
How Counseling Helps Young Adults Living at Home
Individual therapy can give your young adult a safe space to figure out what is really holding them back and find their own path forward. At Davis-Smith Mental Health, we use approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Motivational Interviewing. Motivational Interviewing can be a good fit when someone feels torn about making a change.
Therapy can help with the anxiety, low mood, or fear of failing that often sits underneath being stuck. It also gives young adults practical tools for building routines, setting goals, and taking the next small step.
Learn more about our young adult counseling and life transitions counseling, or how we help with anxiety and depression. Our post on five ways to decrease tension in the home may also be useful.
You Are Not Alone in This
Parenting a young adult at home can be challenging, but you are not alone in facing these difficulties. Lots of families today have young adults living at home, and it does not mean you did something wrong.
The good news is that help is available, and the sooner you reach out, the better the chance for progress and peace at home. Taking action early is one of the most caring things you can do for your young adult and for yourself.
Launch With Confidence, Together
If tension at home feels overwhelming, you do not have to sort it out alone. We see young adults in person at our New Lenox office and through telehealth, as long as they are physically located in Illinois during each session.
We work with families from Joliet, Frankfort, Mokena, Lockport, Tinley Park, and across Will County. Call (815) 409-5940 or request a session online to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
Personalized care
Licensed, caring therapists
Every therapist on our team works with anxiety. We will match you with the right therapist for you.
Anxiety at the center
Anxiety is the foundation of everything we do.
EMDR-trained care
EMDR helps clients process what talk therapy alone can’t reach.
Every age and stage
From children and teens to young adults and adults.
In-person and telehealth
Our New Lenox office or secure online therapy for clients in Illinois.
In-network with
- Aetna PPO
- Cigna / Evernorth
- BCBS PPO
- UnitedHealthcare
- UMR
- Initial assessment $200
- Ongoing sessions $150
Insurance and rates
Insurance Accepted
We work with most major insurance plans and offer self-pay options. We believe quality mental health care should be accessible. Davis-Smith Mental Health is in-network with the following insurance providers.
We also offer self-pay options and can provide a Superbill for out-of-network benefits.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
If something told you to keep reading this far, trust that feeling. Whether it’s for yourself, your teen, or your young adult, the hardest part is deciding to start. We are here when you are ready.
there is courage in change ♥
