The pressure to bring home good grades can lead to constant tension and frustration in the home for both the parent & the teen.
We know that poor grades can lead to low self-esteem in students, and, as a parent, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about your teen’s future when they aren’t performing academically. You want them to succeed and feel confident in their future. But, most of the time teens under this sort of pressure feel their parents are too overbearing, constantly nagging, or care about grades more than them.
When I was younger my parents put me in swimming lessons. I hated them, I couldn’t stand the smell of chlorine, the freezing water, or the idea of dunking my entire head in the water. Any time I got the chance to cheat I would. For one of our exercises, the instructors would throw rings in the pool and we were supposed to dive down and get them. There was no way I was doing that.
Whenever the instructor would be helping other kids in the lessons, I would use my foot to find the ring and then I would get the ring around my ankle lift my leg and grab it that way. I wasn’t going to be a professional swimmer. To be honest, I didn’t really want to learn and consistently failed the lessons.
Eventually, my parents decided to stop having me go instead of forcing the issue. I was never going to love swimming, just like some kids will never love history or physics. If your teen has struggled academically in middle school, it’s likely that it will continue through high school.
If that’s the case, ask yourself, what is the goal of high school? What is my goal as a parent with my teen?
I believe that high school is supposed to help teens be MORE prepared for adulthood and independence, just the same as parents. We must approach tackling grades the same way – with this goal in mind. I believe these steps help tackle this goal while helping teens who struggle academically.
DISCUSS FUTURE GOALS AND CAREERS.
It’s hard to know what direction to go in if you do not know your teen’s goals. If your teen wants to go to college then talking about GPA, SATs, junior colleges, and potential four-year colleges or universities will need to be discussed. If they have no desire to go to college, but want to get into a trade school then instead of discussing college programs or SATs, you’ll need to have conversations about what it will take to achieve whatever goal they’re working toward. Regardless, the goal is to help you have a roadmap on where they are trying to go.
If your teen has no idea, that’s okay too. There are a lot of options for their future and they can ALWAYS change the road that they are on.
EVALUATE.
One thing that isn’t done enough is asking the right questions to figure out what is causing your teen to be struggling academically..
Are they working 30 hours a week on top of school? Can they handle the workload they have? Are they in honors courses that may be too rigorous? Do they need to be tested to find out if they need more help and support in the classroom? Are they turning in homework but failing tests? Are they passing tests, but not turning in homework? Is your teen just struggling in one or two classes? Does your teen care about school? Are their friends struggling academically too? Is your teen involved in any extracurricular activities? Have they recently lost friends? Did they just get out of a relationship?
These questions can help you figure out your next step. The more questions you come up with and the more answers you get, the better picture you’ll have on what is really causing your teen’s poor grades. If they are failing the majority of their courses (homework and tests) then maybe it’s time to get them evaluated by the school. They might be overwhelmed, and your goal can be to help themfind ways to cut back. If your teen has an average academic performance then maybe the goal could be to help them find some way to increase their motivation level in whichever classes they’re struggling in.
There’s a more productive way to help your teen with academic difficulties than anger or punishment. Contact teachers, ask them questions, and figure out the root of the problem before jumping right to punishment.
PROVIDE RESOURCES.
Once you get to the root of the problem, you can start to sort through your options for how to handle it. Here are 5 resources that might be a good option for your teen:
1. Weekly tutoring.
2. Incentives: money, video games, driving privileges, etc.
3. Dropping the course, switching teachers, or going to a class at their level.
4. Consistent study date with a classmate or friend. Preferably one person and not several as this can make it hard for them to be productive)
5. Have them evaluated by the school for an IEP or 504 Plan.
Contact your teen’s high school to find other resources and support.
DECREASE TALK ABOUT GRADES.
If majority of the conversations you have with your teen are about grades, it’s actually not going to help them better results. We often feel that if we push them more that they’ll learn and start to take their grades more seriously, but rarely does that ever work.
Decreasing the constant talk about grades may lessen the pressure your teen feels, which can allow them the space they need to find ways to be a little more successful. Ultimately, in the teen years it is very hard to help your teen without using outside resources. Try your best to take a step back on the conversation and spend more of your efforts getting resources.
Grades are not important; learning is important. Sometimes the best way to tackle a problem is to find out more about what’s causing it.
Focusing less on grades can help you have a better relationship with your teen, lessen tension in the home, and increase your teen’s self-esteem. Don’t tackle the results, tackle the symptoms of the problem.
What do you feel has been the hardest part of tackling grades with your teen?
