As parents, it is hard to know how to support your children as they begin to really embrace more independence.
Sometimes, as parents, we want to point out to our teenagers what they are doing is not helpful or that they are doing it wrong. Teens often respond with resentment and anger. It can be hard to know how to support your teen as they begin to look more to their peers for acceptance and want to hear less from you. Here are my tips on dealing with some of those changes and ways to support your teen!
Experimenting with Appearance – Just Go with It!
At this time, they may be experimenting with their appearance through clothing styles, makeup, haircuts, or hair dye. Many parents feel that telling their teenager how to dress and the impact of going “too goth” will help save their child from ridicule or embarrassing childhood photos. Sadly, it leads your teen to feel unaccepted and that you don’t understand them.
Your teen is at an age where they need to learn to trust their choices!
If you question their every decision, then your teen might rebel, fill the household with tension, or your teen will have more worries and insecurities. This is because they do not trust that they can make a good decision and feel your doubt in them.
You want your teen to grow up trusting themselves and handling the natural consequences of their decisions. One teen eventually decided to get rid of her purple hair because it was causing problems with dating.
What if my teen wants acceptance from the wrong type of person or crowd?
Teens look for acceptance from their peers, teachers, and family. Acceptance can feel like a confidence booster for your teen. It’s for that reason that acceptance, even from unhealthy and harmful relationships, is so difficult for teens to walk away from. This is especially true if they have a small social circle. The best thing you can do if your teen appears to be with the wrong crowd is to ask questions to your teenager. As a result, asking questions may help them discover why they are spending time with this person.
The goal is through questions that your teen eventually realizes that their choice may not be the best.
By them deciding this themselves they feel more independent and responsible. This can lead to them making new choices and work on building new relationships.
Sometimes teens will say, “They are the only friends I have,” and sometimes as a parent that’s hard to hear and we think we can force them to change their peer group. This is NOT helpful as again it causes a teen to question their judgment and ability in a time that is already filled with insecurity. Therefore, your teen must decide on their own to try and build new relationships. Sometimes, teens feel that changing their relationships would lead to “social suicide” and unfortunately, since we are not with them, we cannot know one way or the other.
Do not tell them they are wrong or that they just need to be able to stand on their own. No one wants to walk this world alone and we weren’t meant to, so we shouldn’t demand this of our teenage child.
Questions to ask your teenager to help better understand their friendships:
So, the best type of acceptance your teenager can get from you at this point is to meet them where they are at right now. Don’t try and change them into your view of what they should be. Allow them to be who they are in this moment and you will see that this will change over time. Support them through their decisions! Let them know that if it doesn’t turn out well that you will be there to help them regardless.
What do you like about him or her?
How would their teachers describe him or her?
What do other students think about him or her?
What annoys you about this friend?
Would you want to be friends with him or her after high school?
What is one thing that you would change about your friend?
If you could have a new set of friends tomorrow, would you still want to be friends with him or her?
Does your friend get upset if you don’t respond immediately to text messages? Does your friend get upset if you hang out with other people? If so, why do you think that is?
With these questions, try not to bombard your teenager as that can be overwhelming.
Try to ask them during a natural part of the conversation. You may need to spread out the questions over a period of days or weeks. You know your teenager better than anyone so if you know that they get overwhelmed with questions, then try and just ask two at most. If your teenager appears to be very engaged in the conversation and you can get through them all then do. It’s all about building a relationship and showing that you are interested in their life. There should be little feedback from you and more of asking, “Why do you think he does that?” type of questions.
You want your teenager to figure out their next step or ask you for help without you offering it.
Have Questions you want featured?
Have questions that you want to be answered by future blog posts? Send me an email at jessica@davis-smithmentalhealth.com or comment below. I read every email provided to me and I will let you know when to look out for that blog post!
